I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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