She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
