I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
