I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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