if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Congratulations! We have a period
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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