Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
