Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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