i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
