Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
