omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
