hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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