3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
