I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
