the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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