I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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