he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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