My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
