this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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