just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
