I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
