if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
