im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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