You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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