There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
