you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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