I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
