She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
