I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
