how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
