SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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