You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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