the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
