I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
