it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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