I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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