I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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