Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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