24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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