Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
