Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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