Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Randomize
