Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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