the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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