If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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