When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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