i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
