The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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