her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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