Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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