OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Randomize
