I met the friendliest cop last night
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
