I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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