I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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