I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
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