I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
