If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize