I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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