It's a beautiful day for a hangover
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
