A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
