Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
sarcasm needs its own font
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
