I accidentally had phone sex last night
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize