remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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