I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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