Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize