When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
