i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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