Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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