You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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