You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize