we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
