Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
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