I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
