george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Please don't give away my fajitas
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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