I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
