my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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