Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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