chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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