We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
